The Need to Be Liked

My grade 8 teacher was the late (and truly great) Classford Johnson. I remember his class like it was yesterday, including something he used to say on a daily basis: "I don't want to be loved, I want to be understood." As a kid, I knew what he was getting at. He wanted us to respect him, his rules and expectations. If we got along, great. If we didn't, it didn't matter to him as long as we respected him, his rules and his expectations. Most of us loved him. He was tough but fair. He appreciated a good joke and laughed with the rest of us when we something was funny. My memory of Mr. Johnson and his infamous phrase came into my head quite a lot in the days after I had bid farewell to the staff and students of the school I have just left. Admittedly, I was confused. As a kid and as a classroom teacher, I never really paid much mind to what people thought of me. I have always abided by the Golden Rule when it came to my relationships at school and hoped for the best. I couldn't help but wonder as I was packing my boxes, was I loved or understood? Or both? Is is possible for teachers, in particular, to both love and understand their administrators? Is liking the Administration important to teachers? In all my years of being a VP so far, I hadn't paid any conscious attention to any of these questions. I was cognizant of the relationships I was building. I never once stopped to wonder if they were as important to the teachers as they were to me. I am especially curious now that I am a new addition to the staff at my school. 

I had previously tweeted the link to a Time magazine article called "How to Get People to Like You: 7 Ways from an FBI Behavior Expert". Here's a summation of the salient points, taken directly from the article:

1. "The single most important thing is non-judgmental validation. Seek someone else’s thoughts and opinions without judging them." I find this especially important, being new on staff and trying to get a handle on things are done the way that they are. Even if everything inside of me is screaming, "Change! Change this NOW!" making time for these conversations tames my bullish instincts to want to trample the china shop, especially if I know I can introduce a positive change or a more efficient method. I'm forced to process and understand the history of practice or thought in order to inform any decisions I eventually make.
2. "Suspend your ego. Focus on them." This is especially hard for me, joining a new Admin team. It's always interesting coming together with people who have different kinds of experiences and strengths. I logically know that what I should expect of my colleagues is that we are all working together, united under our principal's vision, and making decisions that are in the best interest of kids. Any challenges that are met along the way - philosophical or pedagogical - can be worked out at a meeting table and behind closed doors. 
3. "Really listen, don’t just wait to talk. Ask them questions; don’t try to come up with stories to impress." Going into my fifth year as a VP, I have learned that listening isn't the absence of me talking. It's resisting the urge to begin planning or thinking about what I'm going to say next. Being in this role has afforded me a greater sense of self-awareness and has forced me to more conscious of the body language and gestures I use, the number of times I interrupt people and the types of questions I ask to demonstrate genuine interest. I goes a long way.
4. "Ask people about what’s been challenging them." Still working on this one... I find that people are more interested in complaining than having constructive conversations that involves presenting solutions to problems. 
5. "Establishing a time constraint early in the conversation can put strangers at ease." I laughed out loud at this one. It's a sober reminder that even in my profession where engaging with people is what we do all day, there are still a number of adults with less than adequate social skills who need support too.  
6. "Smile, chin down, blade your body, palms up, open and upward non-verbals." Self explanatory, me thinks...
7. "If you think someone is trying to manipulate you, clarify goals. Don’t be hostile or aggressive, but ask them to be straight about what they want." It's funny but I find that this often makes people uncomfortable, but I guess that's sort of the point. I've always prided myself in being the type of person that doesn't play games or indulge those who do. I think this is why, for the most , I have been able to get along with most people I've with whom I have worked. What you see is what you get. I think that by expecting the same in the others and being direct, there are fewer games to be played. On the other in a very small percentage of the people I've encountered along the way, this amount of straight-forwardness makes other uncomfortable and honesty can sometimes cause people to "itch" and even retreat so that the chance to catch on to them evades you. What's especially sad about the latter situation is that it's all too obvious from the onset. It's always a challenge to work with this sort of person and demonstrate your desire to work with them in spite of the games.

In all honesty, I'm hope I'm liked. I don't think I have ever expressed that in writing our aloud before.